“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship