Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
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Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Before & after 😅
Awesome parenting 😂
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.