Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice