Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Well, my evening plans are ruined
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
#winning
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.