Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
the short answer to this question
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.