What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
You Might Also Like
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.