[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Guantanamo Bae
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?