first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?