Otters see a butterfly.
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Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
A drum solo but on your face.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor