I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
This made me chuckle.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Body by Oreos
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.