Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
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[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.