Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
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*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Still a very good boi….
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying