Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge