Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
*limbos under the caution tape
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum