ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
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I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”