Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
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My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
One venti cheeseburger please.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
What fresh Hell is this?!?