Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
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SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I think about this a lot
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend: