My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The news is so predictable nowadays
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam