Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
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My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
lol
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
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Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.