Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
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Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Who’s your best friend?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
this is uni
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all