*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies