I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
You Might Also Like
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
The Sun
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.