Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”