pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.