Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
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[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: