Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
You Might Also Like
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.