happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
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[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]