The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
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Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?