To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
*watches the world burn*
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.