“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
beware of dog
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
In space, no one can hear…
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.