[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
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i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”