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Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
What an awful time to have common sense.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Mountain Goat : )
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered