saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Mission: Impossible
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter