If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
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“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
the icebreaker
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer