America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.