Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
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TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
🙂🐾
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what