Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
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him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀