He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
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I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.