ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
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I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I鈥檒l feel threatened in my job
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That鈥檒l do, brain. That鈥檒l do.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I鈥檓 pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I鈥檓 having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa鈥檚 馃槈 having a heart attack 馃槈
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I鈥檇 send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I鈥檇 be like oh the file must鈥檝e been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must鈥檝e done it 50 times?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 馃榿
Losing 馃槻
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it鈥檚 packed. Husband says we鈥檒l just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he鈥檚 doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Daughter: It鈥檚 Halloween…let鈥檚 do something really scary.
Me: You鈥檙e in luck…I鈥檓 just about to do the bills.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.