Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*