Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Sign of the day..
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
lmfao
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now