If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
🏙👨🏼
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?