I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My typo game is string.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
omg leave her alone
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken