Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away