My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography