My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona: