Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Life hack
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.