“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Thursday Thought.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I’m about to risk it all
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.