Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
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*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
don’t we all
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.