Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer